Mmm Treastykakes – Razzball Fantasy Baseball

Imagine a very good boy sitting at attention, let’s call that boy, Treat Urner. Treat Urner is looking at you with those doe-eyes giving you all kinds of oxytocin. Your brain is firing off like July 4th over the Hudson. My God it feels good! Stare at me Treat Urner and give me more and more oxytocin! Dare your tail and give me the love! In a baby voice, you lean in, “What does Treat Urner want? Does Treat Urner want a treat? Does he? Okay, to earn one of those treats you need to steal 30 bags, hit 25 homers and hit .300. Can the good boy do that? Hey can? Aw, what a good Treat Urner this Treat Urner is! Here…” Then I throw the treat into the yard, it lands in the bushes and we spend the next twenty minutes trying to figure out where that stupid treat landed while he licks my ears. Treat Urner was going to be great wherever he went. Landing in Philly gets Kyle Schwarber out of the leadoff slot. Right…RIGHT?! Please someone say I’m right. I don’t want to go to Amoeba Records and scratch Rob Thomas’s name off every CD as an act of deviance vs. the Phils’ manager. By the by, Trea Turner getting 11 years is quite funny.

But, of course, this is for this year, and there’s no one better, when consistency is factored in. Just an absolute lock for great counting stats. Now in Philly, it should help maintain the power, that isn’t top-flight, but good enough for a guy with his speed. Hopefully, he doesn’t pay too close attention to all the other Phils’ fly ball tendencies. “So, you’re saying I should have a Launch Angle of 26? OK!” That’s Trea Turner at the batting cage with Rhys Hoskins and The Schwammer. No, stay away, Treat Urner! Good boy! For 2023, I’ll give Trea Turner projections of 107/22/101/.293/30 in 606 ABs. That means Treastykakes are the best food in Philly since Chase steaks! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for 2023 fantasy baseball:

Carlos Estevez – Signed with the Angels. Carlos Estevez is 6′ 6′, and 280 pounds, and appears to be a great signing by the Angels…oh my god, he’s fallen on Trout! NOOOOO! My guess is Estevez is the closer at least 60% of the time with Herget getting 25%, and the field taking the rest, but it’s super early to know how bullpens will shake out. Tentatively, I’ll give Estevez projections of 3-4/3.77/1.30/57, 18 saves in 59 IP.

Justin Verander – Signed with the Mets. Steve Cohen collects modern art, but prefers classic aces, kinda like A-Rod with women. S0, the Mets add Justin Verlander, as they compose the best staff possible of aces who might remember the 1986 World Series. “Wah-wah, wee-wee, Mookie Wilson.” That’s Justin Verlander’s first words. “Wah-wah, wee-wee, Ray Knight.” That’s Baby Scherzer. Mets are putting together a great pitching staff that won’t at all need the Mets doctors’ attention. Seriously. Because they’re already on Medicare, and can get an in-network doctor. Justin Verlander will likely be thrilled to be looking into that big brown eye once again. Get your heads out of the gutter, I’m not talking about Kate Upton! I’m talking about Max Scherzer’s one brown eye.

If you think about it, the writing was on the wall with Justin Verlander and his wife and the Mets signing:

So, Justin Verlander goes to a new league, though the Astros used to be an NL team. Does that count? No? OK. The whole league thing is irrelevant nowadays, and the new team does nothing either for a guy like Verlander, except he no longer has to contend with the Crawford Boxes. Oh, wait a second, his HR/9 was only 0.6. His strikeouts were down, but you almost got the sense that he was throwing more to contact (relatively), because he was returning from Tommy John, and knew he wouldn’t be able to throw 220 IP. Him and Scherzer are such reliable stalwarts that the Mets got better, even with the loss of deGrom, ie, Verlander + Scherzer is better than deGrom + Scherzer. Just for the reliability and innings. Not saying Verlander is better than deGrom inning to inning, but when you need 175 IP more than an insane 100 IP, Verlander is the one. He’s actually The One. For 2023, I’ll give Justin Verlander projections of 17-5/2.54/0.94/196 in 179 IP.

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